you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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