is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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