i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
