meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize