I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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