I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
