i wish my penis had a tongue
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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