had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
