Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
