If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
