i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
