I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
