Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
