Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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