for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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