That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
