i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
