if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize