you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize