You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
