i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize