she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
