her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
