shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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