You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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