cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
