i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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