I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
