I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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