Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
