I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
