so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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