Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
