I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
