The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
