fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
