I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
