I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I am one with the molecules
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
