We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Let's get the cat blown out
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
