I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
