i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
