oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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