when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My cat gives me a boner
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
