I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
