i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
