At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
