sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
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