Your mouth is God's brothel.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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