I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
a search helicopter?!
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
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