he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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