I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
