have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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