You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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