i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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