you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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