i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
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