i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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